Why even “normal” guys online are un-dateable: Part 1

bad online dating

Several things have convinced me that on-line dating sites may not be the best forum through which to meet “normal” men.  Unfortunately, the few that you may find that ARE “normal” usually have some sort of impairment that’s difficult for a woman to overlook.  These unfortunate impairments usually fall into one of two categories1. He’s gay and doesn’t know it yet (although the rest of the world is extremely aware) or 2. He’s VERY, VERY, VERY short…. (like, shorter than YOU short)

I’ve had dates with very nice, educated, interesting men that were psychologically sound and seemed to have their lives together.  They were “normal” for all intended purposes because gay men and short men are totally and completely normal but, here’s what makes them nearly impossible for straight, average-sized, single women to date:

Category #1:  He’s gay and doesn’t know if yet (although the rest of the world is extremely aware)

When I first tried on-line dating 2 years ago, I bought a 3 month membership to a site that claimed to choose “compatible” matches for you based on how you answered a very LONG and seemingly arbitrary list of questions.  The catch was, you could not see a photo of the match until you had initiated some sort of contact with them based on their bio description, etc. etc…  Point is, it was bizarre.

After being a member for a month or so,  I was contacted by a gentleman who the site claimed was a 90 something % match with me.  We had a nice rapport over the phone, he was a professional,  well-traveled, and an animal lover… All things I could appreciate.  So, I thought I’d be open to meeting him in person.   Here’s what I learned from that brief train-wreck of a date:

  1. It just doesn’t sound right when a man exclaims emphatically “Oh, My God!  Can I just tell you how much I LOVE my cat?!”
  2. Gesticulating a lot with your hands while talking should be strictly reserved for women and Italians.
  3. While it is completely normal for a man in a relationship to refer to a woman as his “girlfriend” no straight man should/ would ever ADDRESS a woman as “girlfrieeeeend.”
  4. While it’s nice to be complimented by your date, it’s just weird when he specifies liking your handbag and pumps.
  5. No man (or woman for that matter) should EVER describe their food as being “sooooo, yummy” while eating at a restaurant unless they want a swift kick in the face (from me)…
  6. Did I mention that he really, really, LOVED his fricken’ cat?

I guess if I had seen him in person and not met him on-line I would have never gone on a date with him.  This answers the question of WHY this kind of a man has to resort to on-line dating.

“Big Boy”

A lesson I learned rather quickly since joining an online dating site is that lack of sex and impedes men’s judgement on what is an appropriate vs what is an inappropriate thing to say to a woman to get her to go on a date with you.

Now, I am completely aware that there are many women on these sites who take “selfies”  while wearing low-cut dresses, doing the duck face and making a suggestive pose in the mirror and use this as their profile picture.  Basically, they’re clearly advertising their goods…  My profile picture is on the other spectrum of conservatism:  I had my sister take a picture of me in a black turtleneck at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, OK?…. got a problem with that?!  (in my defense, you can’t tell I’m at Disney and I was totally rocking that turtleneck.)

My point here is not to judge which picture is right or which one is wrong.  What I’m saying is that each makes a statement about the women they depict and what these women want out of being on the site.   And, to be honest, it doesn’t take a genius to figure this stuff out.  Unfortunately, some men are so desperate, sex deprived and/ or cocky, they lose their ability to judge which kind of woman is which and make some pretty poor choices.

Below you will find my profile pic (I TOLD you I rocked that turtleneck!) followed by an email commentary made by some middle-aged butt hole… (I copy and pasted it, typos and all)

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Middle-aged butt hole:

“Wow! one hot woman. def got my BIG BOY a goin over here . lol 🙂 Wes you look GREAT!”

My response email to the middle-aged butt hole:

“Got your big boy a goin”?   Really?….

No woman of value is going to respond well to perverted comments like that. Barking up the wrong tree buddy.

(P.S. I contemplated ignoring the email completely but I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut…)

Are… You… Serious…?

OK, so… I’ve rejoined the on-line dating world and it doesn’t cease to amaze me.  It is SO bizarre, in fact, that I have decided to share it with you for a number reasons.

Reason #1: If you are not currently a member of an on-line dating site because you are either dating or married to someone, realizing how f%$#ing nuts people are out there will make you more greatly appreciate your partner.  So, in essence, in telling you this I’m actually bringing you guys closer together…. You’re welcome 🙂

Reason #2:  I feel that it is my social obligation to make you all aware of how sick single men and women really are when they are given a forum through which to freely express their perversions… Oh, NO… they would never tell you how whacked out of their minds they are if they met you in person on the street or in a bar but… give them free feign to create an on-line profile and all hell breaks loose.  

Reason #3:  This sh*& just makes me laugh

Without further ado.. here is a profile description (I can’t make this up, I SWEAR) of an individual that the online site I belong to has decided would be a good “match” for me…. WOW, I’m at a loss for words…

“Hello, my sweet, I have good news! I’m in the mood to shop for shoes! You say you can’t afford another pair? Don’t fret, my dear, I’m a millionaire. You say your closet has reached its max? You can have one of mine – just relax.

Come with me, on our fairy tale! Let’s go to my yacht, ’cause you really hoist my sail. It drives me wild that you’re so elastic. And, I’ve got the money if you want some plastic! If that’s not your thing, don’t you panic. I also love all-natural – I love organic. I like my women like I like my cake: warm and moist and easy to make. Let’s go to my farm and into the stable.

Let’s go for a ride, if you’re willing and able. We can go bareback or with a saddle. It doesn’t matter which…for a beast you will straddle. Flats and pumps and stilettos and more! Anything for you; I love you to the core! Cha-ching! My money is now gone. Now, let me grab your ankles and slip you on.”